By River Shepherd
Community.
That’s the only reason I’m still here.
Between spring term 2023 and now, I’ve met so many people here at Lane Community College who are helping me save my own life.
They are doing that by helping me see that my own life is worth saving.
Forgetting for the moment about my ‘progressive’ physical disability – which has no cure – the cure for my suicidality and general self-harming tendencies all comes down to having a wider community around me who cares about and supports me. This, vitally, is along with medication and therapy.
The meds and therapy were never enough by themselves. The community piece was incomplete for a long time in my life.
When I looked up one day and realized I had begun to build my own community here at Lane, I was skeptical that any one of these people actually cared about me as a person and not simply as a worker, student, classmate or obligation of some kind.
I found out they do mean what they say a few months ago – around mid-january – while fighting through my latest and strongest bout of suicidal ideation in some time.
Winter term started rough. It felt like there was no way I could do and be everything I’d committed to; felt like nothing was worth it because everything dies anyway. Life felt too exhausting to continue, and I didn’t want to ask for help – just needed everything to stop immediately.
So I dropped all my classes, even though it was past the refund deadline. I emailed my supervisor to quit my work study job, and did the same to the advisor of The Torch co-op.
Then I went for a drive. Ending up at the McKenzie river, I was overcome with the urge to walk into the cold, violent flow and let it take me. No one knew where I was; it would have been so easy.
Something held me back (thinking of my dogs – they can’t understand).
Telling myself I would come back in one month after getting my affairs in order and making arrangements for the dogs, I went back home, “just one more month” repeating in my head the whole way.
The next day, four people on campus turned me around.
Initially just going back to The Torch to return a camera, the advisor and then-editor ended up talking to me for some time. They were kind and understanding about me leaving school, though they put the bug in my ear that they were thinking of making me Managing Editor in spring term. (Why would they say that? Did they actually believe in me?)
As I was leaving campus, Mike Walker stopped me on the sidewalk and asked me how I was. Blurted out that I’d dropped all my classes and when pressed about it, admitted why. “Sounds like you need to talk to Rebecca,” he said, and steered me into Building 4 to see Rebecca Ramos, the benefits navigator working on CARE drop-in that day. That conversation with Ramos changed everything.
Less than 24 hours after dropping them, I was back in all my classes. My job took me back enthusiastically, as did The Torch. I was honest with the people I needed to be honest with about what had happened. Told them how CARE was advocating for me in the situation that had triggered me into crisis in the first place, how I’d come up with a plan for staying in school, and that I was sorry for inconveniencing everyone.
Something surprising came of that – instead of judging me, the people in my support system on campus actually showed genuine care, understanding and concern for my well being. Some shared their own struggles, which helped me feel a whole lot less alone. Many also shared things that they enjoy about having me around. This was vital for me to hear (or read, in the case of emails).
Instead of rejecting their help or disbelieving them when they told me good things about myself (which I used to), I started choosing to accept their help, their kind words, and their belief in my abilities in good faith.
This combination of factors and choices has made the past couple of months life changing for me.
Lane has been life changing for me.
Every student should know that it’s worth the risk to ask for and accept help, to build honest relationships with the people around them, and to cultivate their own community here.
We are all worth it.
If you or a loved one are experiencing a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, you can call or text the national suicide hotline at 988. On campus, the Mental Health and Wellness Center located in Bldg 18 Rm 101 has FREE counseling services for LCC students, along with other mental health resources. While CARE located in Bldg 4 Rm 210 is not a mental health crisis provider, they can help you find ways to meet your basic needs and can help if you are having trouble accessing the services and resources you need at LCC and in the community.
