I’ve been one half of a long-distance relationship for the past ten months — my partner lives in Portland and I’m in Eugene. We’re both self-described hermits and, while the long-distance part has not been without its occasional challenges, we thrive when doing our own thing.
Fast forward to March 2020 when the novel coronavirus began dominating news cycles and our lives. Faced with either potentially not seeing one another for months or living together during quarantine, we chose the latter.
Having been quarantined together in a modest apartment for the last month and experienced every emotion known to man or woman, I feel I have a bit of guidance — or maybe just levity — to offer those who are stuck at home with the one they love.
Adapt your schedules
My partner thinks that waking up after 6:30 a.m. is “late,” whereas I would sleep until noon every day if society permitted it. He likes to meditate first thing and I prefer to wait until anxiety overtakes me and meditation is my last-ditch effort at relief, usually by late afternoon. My partner enjoys trail running and seems to effortlessly sprint up mountains with the grace of an Olympian while the last time I ran was in an airport four years ago, motivated only by the threat of missing my flight.
The point is: we’re different and so are our routines. Namely, he has one and I don’t. However, in the process of living together, we’ve begun to adapt to each other, taking on characteristics of the other in what feels like an anthropological experiment. I’ve become a little more regimented and he’s become a little laxer.
Since both of us are currently working and studying remotely, we have to maintain some semblance of discipline to get anything done in-between frequent snack breaks. Maybe you’re in a similar situation and are wondering how to find a balance.
What has helped is establishing a schedule of tapping away on our laptops at opposite ends of the apartment from about 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., Monday-Friday. This is a compromise that doesn’t offend my non-morning-person sensibilities and encourages both of us to stay on track.
Don’t go grocery shopping together
Grocery shopping has taken on a whole new meaning now that the threat of a virus looms every time I squeeze an avocado in the quest for a ripe one.
If you’re like me and you feel a wave of anxiety crash over you each time you walk the empty pasta aisle, consider divvying up shopping duties with your partner. Not only will you save time by bypassing conversations like “What cheese should we get?” but it also means that only one of you has to feel anxious while standing in those eerie lines of masked individuals, the other safe at home.
Beyond the clear emotional and logistical benefits of solo grocery shopping, it’s actually recommended as a way to minimize potential virus exposure.
Put on real pants, occasionally
It’s been well-documented that we’re all living in our sweatpants right now. Being a proud homebody, I love a “soft pant” as much as the next person but there comes a time when you must slip into something less comfortable if only to remember what everyday life felt like pre-Corona.
If I’ve been shuffling around in sweats and a stained t-shirt for too long, I start to question my reality and to wonder what it felt like to wear a bra. Putting on clothing that doesn’t resemble pajamas and occasionally brushing my hair, I’ve found, can boost morale and help me feel mildly attractive. Not only that but putting on “work clothes” is associated with increased productivity while working from home. My partner has apparently already figured this out: he’s wearing a button-down shirt as I write this.
Make time for quality time
It’s easy to assume that just because you’re in the same house all day you’re hanging out with your significant other. Maybe you’re studying in your room all afternoon and they’re on a Zoom call for hours in the living room. You’re aware of each other but you’re immersed in your own worlds, which hardly counts as quality time. Make an effort to allot time in your day to paying attention to each other, asking questions and actually listening. In the iconic words of bell hooks, “We would all love better if we used it as a verb,” and that means making an effort.
If you’re looking for ways to connect but are feeling stumped, give psychologist Arthur Aron’s “36 Questions that Lead to Love,” featured in The New York Times, a shot. It covers everything from childhood memories to questions about fame and death. It’s an effective conversation starter that gets below the surface quickly. For example, I learned that my partner most fears death by fire while I shudder at the thought of drowning.
Make space
That old adage, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” is around for a reason. On the flip side of scheduling quality time, it’s also important to voice your own need for solitude and space, especially while cohabitating during a pandemic. Solo time affords an opportunity to recharge, regroup and actually look forward to human contact, particularly if you identify as an introvert. In fact, time apart is considered by psychologists to be a healthy and necessary component of a relationship.
Take a walk, read in the backyard, get in the bathtub, lock yourself in a room, scream from the rooftop. Not everyone is a celebrity confined to a mansion right now so you may need to get creative when it comes to scheduling some “me time”. However you manage it, you’ll thank yourself for prioritizing being alone from time to time. So will your partner.
Get over yourself
I talked to a friend recently and learned that she’s isolated in her apartment after making the difficult decision to quarantine apart from her boyfriend. She’s a lung cancer survivor and therefore high-risk, which doesn’t make the isolation any easier.
If you’re lucky enough to be under the same roof as your significant other during a global pandemic, it’s understandable that you may feel irritable at times as you adapt to your stay-at-home, party-of-two lifestyle but it’s also time to get over yourself. This quarantine won’t last forever and, when you return to your busy lives and your jobs and happy hours with your friends, you’ll likely miss the abundance of togetherness this particular period in history afforded you both. You’ll have a thousand more inside jokes and, hopefully, a stronger bond post-Corona.
Just enjoy it.
